Res Gestae

At Last

2009-01-20T18:39:15Z

At noon eight years ago today, I was in a Chinese grocery store in Hartsdale. It was rainy and dim, which fit my opinion of the moment. I had no idea just how bad things would be, of course. My enthusiasm for Obama has dimmed lately due to various things that I don't want to go into today, but I hope for the best. For now, I'm just grateful that Bush is finally gone.

gaiusmaximus @ 2008-11-22T12:40:00

2008-11-22T17:41:45Z

I'm not sure how to describe this, but it's well worth a look.

http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2008/11/21/191657/65/267/627232

Another Lieberman Comment

2008-11-19T18:00:54Z

The point of getting rid of Lieberman was not revenge; it was to remove someone unqualified from a post where he can and will do everything in his power to obstruct Obama's agenda. I don't understand the people who think Obama has some kind of leverage over Lieberman now. He's shown repeatedly that he can't be trusted, and it's next to impossible to strip him of his chairmanship during the Congress. What can be done to him? He's untouchable. And he's shown that he can spit in the Dems eye and suffer no consequences, which makes the party look weak.

I don't think avoiding controversy is worth the price of keeping Lieberman for two years. It would have lasted a news cycle or two and then blown over the next time Obama announced a Cabinet appointment. By Inauguration Day, it would have been long forgotten. All Obama has shown, if he is behind this, is that he can be bucked and insulted with absolute impunity. Believe me, the Republicans have noticed.

Nor is Lieberman committed to support cloture just because he's in our caucus. Cloture votes rarely follow party line, so keeping him around just to reach 60 is largely meaningless.

I'm very worried that this vote is a sign that all the change talk is just talk, and that when push comes to shove, Obama and the Dems will stand up for the status quo just like they stood up for Lieberman.

gaiusmaximus @ 2008-11-18T19:58:00

2008-11-19T01:03:27Z

Just sent this out to my Senators:

Senator,

Let me thank you, as a representative of your caucus, for keeping Joe Lieberman in his position as Chairman of the Homeland Security Comittee where he can sabotage the progressive agenda and stab us in the back at every opportunity. Thank you for once again showing that Republicans are right when they call Democrats weak, spineless creatures who respond to someone who spits in their face with a smile and a thank you. And most of all, thank you for making so perfectly clear what kind of change we can expect out of the Senate under the new administration: none at all. I wash my hands of the whole cowardly, pathetic lot of you. No Senate Dem will see one dime or one vote out of this Democrat as long as Traitor Joe hangs on to his gavel.

I am really enraged over this. Not so much because of Lieberman per se, but because of how ill it bodes for the prospects of really changing anything in the new administration. Getting rid of Lieberman would have been all upside and no downside. The only reason to keep him was because maintaining the status quo trumps any other considerations. We're not going to get any change out of this Congress unless Obama forces it at (metaphorical) gunpoint. If the reports are true that Obama is behind this, and that isn't just spin and misinterpretation of Obama saying Lieberman shouldn't be kicked out of the caucus (an entirely different issue), than we've really been taken for ride. If that's the case, we can pretty much give up on the next four years being much different than the last eight.

Tonight the World Changed

2008-11-05T05:38:34Z

I am so, so proud of my country right now.

I also want to tip the hat to my parent's generation. Tonight is the culmination of their revolution and the beginning of ours.

gaiusmaximus @ 2008-10-03T19:31:00

2008-10-03T23:54:30Z

So, Congress gave away our future to the rich today, and with it, my last lingering hopes of seeing universal healthcare or any significant social reform in my lifetime. I almost wonder now whether it matters if Obama gets elected or not now, since he's been effectively crippled in advance. He's not going to have the money to accomplish anything worthwhile, and after four years of depression (basically inevitable at this point) he and the Dems in Congress will get blamed for not being able to fix it and thrown out on their asses and the foxes will back in charge of the henhouse. I never really expected that the House would maintain a spine; I was amazed enough that they showed any in the first place. What really amazes me though, is that Bush, in the last months of his term and despised by most of the country, can use the exact same tactics he used to sell us Iraq, and get us to sign over the Treasury to his rich buddies. Even more, at a moment when the Republican brand name is mud, they have managed to achieve the ultimate triumph of conservative philosophy; they have crippled the ability of government to do anything positive, (except of course, to act as a rainy day fund for the ultra-rich). Fuck, instead of bailing these bastards out, we should have taken a page from the Romans and proscribed them all. That way we could refill the treasury and provide a solid incentive not to repeat this sort of behavior in one fell swoop. In all of history, I cannot think of one great power whose decline was so completely self-inflicted as the United States. We will be the laughingstock of future historians (assuming there are any). If anyone knows of any lynch mobs forming, count me in. I'm closer to Wall Street than DC, but I'm willing to travel. Seeing a few rich fuckers strung up would do wonders for my mood.

On a personal note, it looks like my job is safe for now, which is a real relief. On the other hand, we now have to look busy at all times, lest taxpayers think they are paying too much for us. This means no reading or internet when things are slow, and lots and lots and lots of pointless busywork. I'm not exaggerating with that. This week we've put hours and hours in a completely pointless project that could be done by any reasonably intelligent chimp. It is just absolute drudgery. Now, I'm fully aware that if this is the worst I suffer in this depression, I will be unbelievably lucky. It's just that up til now, I've really enjoyed my job and now I'm starting to really dislike it.

gaiusmaximus @ 2008-06-13T19:14:00

2008-06-14T01:37:01Z

I seem to be having a lot of dreams about Mary lately. I'm not sure why I should be having more now that she's no longer single. The really odd thing, though, is that my dreams always feel compelled to address the fact that she's no longer single. I wonder if I subconsciously crave the ego boost of having a woman choose me over someone else. It's certainly not a conscious thing; I would be thrilled to be chosen by any woman in any circumstance, taken or not, and, if given a choice, I would frankly prefer not to deal with the complications of someone who is already in a relationship.

On the other hand, it may be due to the fact that I tend to get hung up on plausibility even in my fantasies, so that even in a dream I have to explain away the problem of her boyfriend. This is probably why I was never able to get the hang of the whole religion thing.

10 Years

2008-04-15T23:00:49Z

I've often said that if could choose one period of my life to live over and over again, it would be the period from April 15, 1998 to December 4, 2001. Thus, it seems appropriate to commemorate the 10th anniversary today of the beginning of the best period of my life.

Poetry Hour

2008-04-06T04:23:27Z

How sad to be a woman - not to know
Aught of the glory of this breast of snow,
All unconcerned to comb this mighty hair;
To be a woman and yet never know!

Were I a woman, I would all day long
Sing my own beauty in some holy song,
Bend low before it, hushed and half afraid,
And say "I am a woman" all day long.

-- Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam, tr. Richard Le Gallienne

Sex and Death

2008-03-12T08:34:15Z

I was just browsing through a discussion on prostitution prompted by our governor's recent indiscretions, and I was amazed at what seemed to be the female consensus on men and sex. What it comes down to essentially is that if a woman wants sex, she can get it, period, and they seem to think that this is true for men also. I am thinking in particular of two posts, the first of which doubted that there were any men so repulsive that they can't find a willing sex partner, and the second of which argued that men only go to prostitutes because they are unwilling to trade emotional intimacy for sex in a regular relationship. As someone who almost certainly has no hope of having sex except through paying for it, this sort of thing drives me crazy. It honestly amazes me that people can be so blind to reality. That some men are too repulsive to find willing partners should admit of no argument; I am living proof of that. As for not being willing suffer emotional intimacy as the price for sex, I would RATHER have emotional intimacy than sex, (though it is close). Gods, I would literally give my left arm for real emotional intimacy with a woman. Clearly, though, if one isn't physically attractive enough, the willingness to embrace intimacy does one no good. Emotional intimacy cannot be bought at any price, but physical intimacy (nearly as good, albeit much briefer) can, and is it fair that I should be denied even that small comfort? These people do not, cannot, understand. They do not understand the despair, day after day, year after year, retiring every night to a cold, empty bed, waking up every morning to face alone whatever the world may throw at you that day, and always, underlying all, darkening every moment, the suspicion, growing slowly but inexorably like a cancer into certainty, the fear that You. Will. Die. Alone.

Despair

2008-03-06T00:38:50Z

So, I did not end up trying to get drunk last night, but only because my internet went down and I couldn't get the results, which was plenty frustrating on its own. I know that mathematically Obama will almost certainly keep his lead, but I'm much less confident that Hillary won't find a way to steal the nomination somehow, through superdelegates, MI and FL, or something to that effect. And with the media in her corner, she'll almost certainly have the cover to get away with it. Even if she doesn't, the party is tearing itself apart, and the only one to benefit is McCain. I'm half convinced that Hillary is just staying in to help McCain at this point, so he can beat Obama and she can run in 2012. I tried to point out to my mother some of the scummy tricks that Hillary has been pulling lately, and she laughed at me. Laughed at me! It makes me want to scream.

My brain has been slipping back and forth between politics and Mary all day. It really has been a hell of a one-two punch. I honestly wonder if there's a girl on the planet who would have me other than for economic reasons. Logic suggests that there must be. I honestly think I have a lot to offer, yet I can't seem to find anyone who'll give be a second glance. I'm going to be spending the rest of my life watching my country go down the drain, and without even the comfort of falling asleep in a loved one's arms to console me. I feel so alone right now, alone and bone-tired. I can't see a silver lining anywhere in the world. Hopes are always dashed; the bad guys always win in the end. What's the point?

Bleah

2008-03-05T00:04:55Z

I've been really stressed the last couple days over the primaries tonight. The polls have not been trending well. By about 5:00 tonight, I'd finally read enough positive articles to start feeling a bit better about things. Then Mary comes up and asks me if her sweater looks good because she has a date tonight. A second date. I've been afraid of this for a long time now, but it still just kills me. But of course I just assured her that she looked great and wished her the best like the loser I am. Gods, I suck. And talk about bad timing. If Obama does end up going down tonight I may have take a serious shot at getting drunk.

gaiusmaximus @ 2008-02-16T17:56:00

2008-02-16T22:58:19Z

I worked with Mary today, which is pretty rare since she went down to children's and only happens on the occasional Saturday. Towards the end of the day, another woman, who only works Saturdays, came up and commented that I never smile but I was smiling a lot today. If this is true, I think it must be because I was with Mary. I hope I'm not this transparent to everyone.

gaiusmaximus @ 2008-02-14T18:45:00

2008-02-14T23:45:48Z

Ah, Valentine's Day. A splendid occasion on which to hate you all. That is all.

Perhaps a Bad Idea

2008-01-31T07:39:36Z

I'm toying with the idea of sending Mary an anonymous Valentine this year. Not because I expect it to lead to anything, but rather because I could use some sort of outlet for my feelings for her, and it will give me something to focus on this V-Day other than cursing the world.

There are just two unknowables that concern me. The first is whether she will find an anonymous Valentine cute and flattering or creepy and stalkerish, and the second whether she will automatically assume that an anonymous Valentine must be from me. I'm still leaning towards doing it though, to alleviate my boredom if nothing else.

If anyone out there thinks this is a spectacularly bad idea, kindly drop me a line and let me know.

gaiusmaximus @ 2008-01-13T16:17:00

2008-01-13T21:31:37Z

I've always had a an unfortunate tendency to get way too absorbed in just about anything with a romantic element, even if it is otherwise ridiculous. The problem is that when it ends, I come down hard.

So now I've just finished an unbelievably awesome romance series that I've been reading for over a month, and now I just feel...really empty.

So Far an Unhappy New Year

2008-01-11T01:19:19Z

Started out the New Year with a rather nasty cold that announced itself just before midnight with that annoying tickle in the throat that tells a person who is otherwise feeling fine that he's about to get sick and there's not a damn thing he can do about it.

I got over that, but I've since been extremely depressed the last two days. It started off Tuesday night with the crushing of my brief moment of hope for the future of this country. One day I'll finally learn never to get my hopes up about politics. My despair over the future of the country sort of snowballed into despair over my personal future, specifically that I can't see any way in hell that I'm ever going to get a girlfriend again. A very old song coming from me, I know, but it's been quite a long time since it's troubled me this badly. For a long time I've half felt that I would find someone eventually and there was no use worrying about it, and half felt that I would never find someone anyway, so there was no use worrying about it, but the first half underwent a bit of a meltdown in the last week or so. (As an aside, you'd think that somewhere on the Internet one could find tips on how to pick up hookers, but damned if I can find it.) I'm feeling a bit better today; hopefully that will continue.

I did have a very intense dream last night that I want to record, which I think ties into this theme. I wasn't really in the dream. There was a guy whose perpective I shared, sort of an avatar, maybe, but he wasn't me. He and this girl were the leaders of a group of people that had, through some accident, ended up out in space a long way from Earth. They were involved somehow, and by the end of the journey home they were essentially, (although perhaps not formally), married. As the voyage progressed, many of the people died, and he fell victim to a crippling disease, as well as the beginnings of old age, (he was somewhat older than her). It fell to her to take full command, (she had always been the more competent one in practical matters in any case), and against all odds, she led them back to Earth, although the voyage took 30 years in all and very few survived. Those who did return were heroes, and the knowledge they brought back revolutionized societies around the world (although not always in a positive way). Their ship was set up as a monument. However, although he was physically healed, he found that he was emotionally unable to leave the ship. For some time, his wife stayed with him, trying to convince him to leave, but at last even she had to move on. She returned to college, which she had not completed before becoming lost, and begin to restart her life, while he remained, alone in his ship, watching through the window the world he was unable to rejoin.

Ugh

2007-12-19T21:27:17Z

So, Peter Jackson is going to make a Hobbit movie.

I can't wait to see how he'll rape, err, "adapt", the source material this time. I predict that Beorn will be evil and the Dwarves will surf down the Lonely Mountain on shields firing semi-automatic crossbows.

God, I hate that man so much.

I Want to Stay in Bed Until December

2007-11-17T00:56:31Z

My last two weeks:

Monday the 5th: Stomach bug causes vomiting, diarrhea, and the inability to remainin any position other than flat on my back.

Thursday the 8th: Plugged up my left ear trying to clean it with a Q-Tip, remains plugged until I see the doctor on Monday the 12th.

Tuesday the 13th: Scraped some guy's bumper on the way home from work, remains to be seen how much it will cost me.

Wednesday the 14th: Strained a muscle in my side, am unable to laugh, sneeze, lie down, or breathe deeply.

If anyone knows a good bunker to hide in, I'm looking for one.

---

And now, a few words from today's sponsor, Epicurus:

"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then is he impotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then is he malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Whence then is evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?"

Cancel That

2007-10-24T06:32:08Z

He pussied out. I swear, these people are utterly hopeless.

My New Hero

2007-10-19T23:50:24Z

http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/us/AP-Congressmans-Outburst.html

Amazing, a Democrat that shows signs of being a vertebrate. Naturally, the prescence of a backbone means the ordinary spine-deficient Dems feel compelled to stab him in it. A shame they can't seem to fathom doing that to Republicans now and then. I hereby dedicate the next thing I do worth dedicating to this guy. He is truly a hero for our time.

At Last

2007-10-10T01:53:33Z

I finally got offered a full time job at the library today! Just in time too, as I had to spend $1200 to get my car to pass inspection. :P

Mary

2007-06-27T22:05:34Z

I had a dream about kissing Mary Tuesday morning and I haven't been able to get her out of my head since. I think I can count on one hand the number of times I've been as happy in real life as I was in that dream.

No one can crush like I can crush. I'm working on a year and a half or so with Mary now, and it's only getting worse. I think I would have been better off if she had turned me down more definitively back in December. As it is, I have a semi-subconscious emotional assumption that we'll go out once one of us gets another job, whereas it's far more likely that she still won't want to go out with me when that happens, or that she'll find someone else before then, which would just kill me. I'm amazed that hasn't happened already actually; I would think guys would be beating her door down.

All this, but...every time I see her my heart still jumps.

Democrats: Huge Pussies or Hugest Pussies?

2007-05-23T23:11:15Z

I have such disgust and contempt for the Democrats in Congress right now. The Republicans are right; they are wimps, the most spineless set of cowards I have ever seen. It's enough to make me wonder if I should even bother voting anymore, since voting for Democrats in an effort to counter Republicans seems to be like trying to counter a volcano with a squirtgun.

Date Aftermath

2007-05-19T05:31:13Z

So, I think I did pretty well on the date. I think I projected confidence, and I was could with keeping eye contact and keeping the conversation going. I felt like I wasn't getting much from her, though. And, sure enough, she tells me that she doesn't see us dating. I'm honestly not too surprised or disappointed. There are just too many hurdles to jump to get to the relationship stage, and I'm not a very good jumper. I feel like I'm really starting to come to terms with the probability that I will never be in another relationship. It makes me sad, but it doesn't drive me to despair like it used. I wish things were otherwise, but I think I'll be okay anyway.